The Circus

No matter how hard I try to tell myself that I’m okay, I know that somehow deep inside, I still feel the pain, the sadness and the good thing is I’m really good at hiding those unwanted feelings.

Most people I know will see me every day like I’m doing fine and nothing’s wrong… But deep inside my heart, I know “There Will Always be Those Unexplainable Reasons Why I Have to Wear My Fake Smiling Face Every Single Day…”

I have never been this lonely in my life and no one seems to ever notice and that’s really great because I don’t have to feel guilty and explain myself why I am this way.

My life had been through deep waves of mostly downs and those one-minute lifting ups… No one may ever understand me, because they never tried to, they always tend to judge me before they look at me from a good side. People whom I thought cared for me are sometimes the ones who bring me down and push me hard on the ground… =(

My Life is a Circus, not because it is colorful but because of the happy masks I have to wear everyday.

Sleepy Head

I was suppose to update my blogs last night and I was so sleepy and tired from all my days work. I didn’t even know I was already asleep. *sigh*

I woke up almost two hours ago and I just checked with some of my work then decided that this is the right time to post blogs and it’s now or never.

Lately, I have been feeling a little tired (when I say a little, you don’t know want to know about it)… I don’t know if this is from work or about things I don’t usually want to think about but keeps on occupying my mind for about 3 to 5 minutes whenever I take a short break from work.

I really hate taking breaks. Last year I can confidently say that I can control when my brain needs to shutdown for a while when it’s about to load some memories I keep on burying way down the extremities of my mind…

Maybe I need more tasks from work to keep my mind busy (like I need more tasks…)

It’s 05:53am on my notebook clock and I forgot to eat dinner last night which makes my stomach churn…

The truth is, I have been dealing with some personal things lately and I have decided to just let it go… I’m learning the truth behind some people whom I thought were true…

Rants from me again huh? At least I have a space where I can just let these feelings go. Even for just a little while. =(

The Nightmarish Dream

I slept late yesterday at past 3am. I was thinking that I’ll have a dreamless sleep since I was so tired from a very long Sunday and the fact that I have been feeling really sick the past few days (til today) will somehow make me sleep like a log.

I woke up very early at around 10 minutes to 5am since I saw my mobile phone shows the time and I would really wanted to wake up because of the dream I was having… It was a really good dream if I will try to look at it from “Maybe it can still come true” part of my mind. However, since I am now stuck with the harsh reality the dream is really a huge pain in the @$$. The dream was so clear, even his face was clear… I really hated when I dream like that… If I can only make those sort of dreams to never visit me when I sleep. I will…

And so I go back to sleep… Hoping Against hope that I would have a good morning sleep and rest…

I know I was dreaming again, I found myself in a place where I would never in my life want to be staying… The place looks normal but dull and I can feel a sense of danger. Then I saw this other person… He made me feel safe and I smile so many times in my dream… Then one part of my mind told me to wake up… “Because that dream will never be made into reality…”

What a cruel thing to start my week…

I am definitely considering both that dream into My “Nightmarish” category…

I would never want to sleep if I would dream that sort again… *sigh*

The Dark Side

I have two blogs and I made the other one some couple of years ago. On my first blog site, I wrote about almost anything however, I did deleted some posts that I no longer want to read or remember.

This post is called: “The Dark Side” because I have decided to post entries on this blog in the “not so-ordinary” manner. Everyone has their dark side right? Well, I don’t literally mean like being bad or mad… I just wanted a place where I can really be myself whenever I feel anger raging inside me…

I would have to say that the past few days had been very cruel with me and my family… and all the anger inside me just wanted to burst out and be free. I was thinking of posting something on my other blog, but I don’t think negative thoughts will suit that blog, so I decided to make this blog as my own personal “Rant” blog.

Sometimes, I just really wanted to kick the behinds of the people who keep on hurting me and the people I love the most… I wanted them to feel the pain they bring us.

But then, the real Me would just want to be quiet and just let it go…

Different…

Our Lives maybe turning Upside Down

It may seem that all the Troubles are converging in on Us…

Rainy Days may stay for a long while

Through All These

I Will Stand Still

I Will Stand Tall

I Will Be Strong

My Prayers… and My Faith…  Are My Weapon

My Mom and My Brother, Are My Home and Serenity

I Will Fight All These

I Will Make it Through, together with My Loved Ones

I Can Fly High and Soar in the Sky

I Can Swim the Deepest of Seas and

Climb the Highest of Mountains

These are Just Trials

God Won’t Let Us Fall and

I Would Never Let Him and My Family Down

This is Me…

Different…

I Need to be Back on the Line

It’s 05:16am in my machine clock and I should have been working all night and early morning long… but I was so sleepy, I wasn’t able to do so.

I do have a job and it’s a home based job, where I am a Writer.

I have been a freelance provider in oDesk for almost a year now and I must keep up with all my work, projects and assignments.

I’m just really not feeling well this past few days and whenever I feel sick, it’s very difficult for me to write.

I am now sipping an ice cold latte and I am here in my cousin’s attic, well its not really like a dirty attic, it’s actually a nice comfy room that looks like an attic. I have this really small corner all for myself and it feels good to be in this corner.

I will be working all day today and I should keep up my pace.

I’ve actually been out of myself lately… Some things from my past keeps on flashing back even in my dreams and it is not a good thing for me. Anything that reminds me of My Past is not good for me or my health and it worries me…

I would have to say that this affects me, everyday…

I have to get back on track and I must not keep my guards down… I can’t and I won’t. I must keep my head up high even though most of the times I feel like crying and just giving up.

I hate to be in this kind of situation and I cannot go back to my sulky self. I must be strong and steady. I should…

Never Glance Back.

My First Post

I write because, Writing is a huge part of My Life… Through this, I can understand profound things around me and feelings that I know lives inside Me. This is my corner in this big world…

My own small space…